I've experienced heartbreak a number of times, ranging from miserable hindrance to utterly soul crushing. Along the way I have picked up a few tips that I have found to be helpful. I'll share them with you in this blog post, in the hope that I can help you get through this difficult time.
Accept that it will hurt
There are different stages of break up, and the level of pain, time length of recovery, and emotions felt will be different for everyone. The following 5 steps are the standard process for grieving.
1 - Denial
We may go through this one DURING the relationship. We may feel there's something seriously wrong, but feel too scared to end things as heartbreak is a tough emotion. Alternatively if we've been dumped out of the blue, we can spend some time thinking "This has to be a prank. Everything was going great! I didn't do anything wrong. They love me!".
2 - Anger
You might want to call them every name under the sun. Tell everyone how horrible they were. This is usually as we are simply desperate for their attention. We want some kind of interaction with them, even if it's an argument. You are most likely feeling angry at them for wasting your time.
3 - Bargaining
This is the stage in which you may reason with them, ask them what needs to change in order for you to be with them. You beg for attention, start to blame yourself. Do whatever it takes so that you don't have to go through these feelings any more.
4 - Depression
This is a very difficult stage, as you have to fight the natural urge to shut yourself away in your room and weep. You want everyone to feel sorry for you and comfort you, yet you know none of it will work. You just need to stretch through it, get out there. Get some sunlight and see people that make you feel happy.
5 - Acceptance
This is where you begin to stop doubting things and yourself. You realise it isn't the end of the world, and that you're okay. You will be okay. That every cloud has a silver lining. You also start to really appreciate the other people around you that are helping you, that you may not have noticed before (We can often feel completely isolated no matter how many friends we are surrounded by)
Tips That May Help You
Cry. Or not.
It's okay to cry. You're a human being, you have emotions. Decide to curl up for 5 minutes and let it all out, then splash your face and go for a walk or out with friends, and decide not to cry again. Avoid staying indoors daily for weeks on end, as your thoughts will run away with you. You'll escape the positive side of reality, and it will hinder your recovery.
No Contact
This is so. So. So. SO important. You must resist the urge to not text them, email them, or stand outside their house with a boombox. Block them from social media. Delete their number and email. Nothing good has ever come from begging or stalking an ex, and opening communication lines with them just makes things more difficult for you. Just sending them a quick text telling them you still love them can be a big set back in your recovery, not to mention it chips away at your dignity. You'll be forever checking your phone waiting for a reply. If you find yourself reaching for the phone, put it down and immediately occupy your mind with something else. You may need to contact them if you have children together, are in the process of moving out, or work together. But keep it as minimal as possible and keep chat relevant to those topics.
Write a List
Of all the things you do NOT like about them. Did they pick their nose publicly? Were they arrogant? Maybe they had no ambition. Kept you up at night with their snoring. Write a list of all the reasons you would NOT like to be with them and refer to it when you are starting to miss them. No 'buts,' I.E. "He was selfish but so was I" or "He didn't treat me right but maybe he was just depressed". Don't show anyone your list, simply keep it for your own personal healing. Refer to this list when you find yourself missing them. When you've reached stage 5 (Or sooner if you like), you can tear it up.
Adopt a New Mindset
See it as a new chapter of your life, a new beginning. This is a positive thing. There are more things that are available for you to do now, compared to the few things that you are not able to do (Temporarily). Accept that this person has been a part of your past, but there will be a new, more suitable person in your future.
Learn from It
Try to take some values from it. Learn what kind of person you are, and what kind of things you want in a potential partner for the future. When you are recovered, you will have a better idea of what exactly you want with regards to a future relationship. You know what you like and what you can't compromise on.
Read Break up Books and Articles
I found it particularly helpful to read other blog posts and books on the topic, to keep my mind on the fact that all is not lost. My favourite book of all time is "Getting Over Mr. Right" by Chrissy Manby. It is fiction, but tells the tale of a girl who goes through a devastating break up and does everything she can to get him back. In the end she comes to her senses. I also recommend "It's called a breakup because it's broken" which offers humorous analogies that get you thinking.
"But there's nobody else like them!"
That's a good thing. You don't WANT someone like them as it simply won't work. You just haven't met the person that will treat you the way you want to be treated. This doesn't mean you will never get those feelings you had with them, it's very easy to have those lovely feelings with someone else, someone far more compatible. You will find somebody better, and regain your independence too.
Rebound
Some of us feel so desperate for companionship, and are so scared of being alone, we will take whatever we can get. A rebound is never a good idea, as jumping into a relationship too soon means you're not giving yourself enough time to re-nourish your soul, regain your independence, and be happy with who you are. It also leaves you more vulnerable. And one night stands can leave you feeling even more rejected and worse about yourself. This also applies to the feelings of wanting to call a different ex, which is how we can feel during those desperate times. To want someone to listen.
Feng Shui
Moving around furniture can help the soul. It will make you feel refreshed. Re-arrange your bedroom or living room, or paint your house as a hint to your subconscious that you want to change and feel better.
Don't Do Anything Drastic
It may be tempting to try to numb those horrible painful emotions by doing something drastic. Getting a tattoo, an extreme haircut, or to move away. You need to work through these feelings before you make any big decisions, as we tend to use these changes while we are in denial to mask that pain. We also tend to change our physical appearance to make the other person realise what they have lost. It's important to have self esteem, but remember you aren't trying to win them back. It ended because you aren't compatible.
Don't Put Yourself Down
If you've only just started the stages, this list may have little affect on you because you're still in shock. You may be reading it while your mind shouts at you "You can't get on with your life, you need them!" Shut them up by concentrating on a hobby, or verbally SAYING "shut up" to it. Try some verbal affirmations: It can help to look in a mirror with a smile and repeat out loud "I am beautiful/handsome, smart, independent and successful". Also try "I WILL get through this", "I have confidence in myself" and "I am going to be okay".
Positivity
This is one of the most difficult parts. It's tough to be positive when you're insides are screaming "I'm dying!". It's hard to smile with friends when we just want to cry and keep telling them how much this person hurt us. By keeping positive and saying good things - whether it be about yourself or something irrelevant - It will benefit your progression through the stages. It also makes us feel good when we compliment others. Tell your best friend how good her hair looks. Tell your mum the dinner she made was great and you appreciate her for it. You will bounce off other people's happiness and feel better about yourself.
Use Support Networks
Keep your family and friends close. Sometimes in relationships we drift from some friendships, but the true friends will be there for you. If you have a local mental health team, you can also visit your doctor to refer you to them for extra help if you feel depressed. If you are feeling suicidal, you can call an ambulance on 999 if in the UK. Here is a list of suicide hotlines, which I urge you to get in contact with if you are feeling very low about your break up.
Fall in Love with Something Else
Rekindle your love with something else. Your passion for animals, music, art etc. Sing your heart out to your favourite songs. Spend some time with a pet or volunteer at a rescue centre. Take a solo trip to an art gallery to really get lost in some art work.
If you need somebody to be there for you but don't know where to go, feel free to leave a comment in this blog. I know how trapping and painful these emotions are. Here's to your recovery.
