Return Of The Tinder Girl

Alrighty so after the success of my previous blog (Click here!) I decided to re-join Tinder to see what else I could find in the crevices of modern technology. Is there a Mr. Romantic on here, or is it just a place to propose "Netflix and chill"?  

Almost immediately I came across my first dick. No I don't mean another misleading profile of an arrogant man, I mean an actual PENIS as a profile picture.

Guys, while you may positively shiver when you see boobs, it doesn't quite work the same way for us. Showing us a picture of your privates isn't quite so erotic. "Oh, hey... There's a, there's that. Okie dokie then." 

I decided to change my bio, making it a little bit clearer just how quirky I am. I added "Small talk is too awkward, let's go for a walk, discuss aliens, video game lore and eat junk food!" - I also figured this would filter out the gym addicts. Assuming men actually read bios before swiping right. 

I had a mutual left swipe from someone who claimed to be a geek, but wasn't particularly chatty. His sentences were very short and he almost immediately mentioned meeting up. NO HEY. I want to know if you're a boring call of duty gamer or a true geek. 

After he mentioned meeting up I asked this guy what kind of things he is in to, expecting him to tell me what to expect should we go on a date. He replied "Game, cycle and gym haha wbu?x" - Hmm. None of those apply to a date, do they? I replied "Games, art, museums and Didney Wurll".

I am starting to notice that a lot of the time, people's locations are set wrong. It will say something like "Living in __ but studying in __". So where are you? Are you the distance it says you are or not? And other profiles say they are living abroad, so what is the point in setting your profile to living in the UK and getting matches with people over here? Long distance relationships are not very fun.  

There were bio keywords that I found were a barrier to keep reading and an automatic left swipe. These were words such as "Clubbing" (Seal or party?), "Gym", "Army" and "Kids". 

Certain profile pictures were also an immediate "Please swipe left quicker, fingers". It doesn't matter how great your torso is, I don't want to see it at this stage. 

Occasionally I'd complain "Shit, I didn't mean to do that" when I accidentally accepted someone, and think "Please don't like me back!"

I then came across the profile of someone I knew in person! I didn't know whether to swipe right and go "HAAA, I didn't know you were on here bro" or whether there would be awkwardness if he thought I right swiped because I want to date him. He's a really decent mate, so I pressed the red 'x' to dismiss. 

There was a gent with a blank bio, who looked okay and had photos outdoors. I thought they may have just created his profile and not yet filled in the information. I was disappointed when the following day I got the incredibly thrilling message "Hi"...
I fought off the urge to say "Not the most engaging of introductions!" and said "Hello." After all, why should I waste my eloquent skills on someone that won't/cant reciprocate? 

About 20 mins later "Hows u". I mini raged, because 'hows u' is a pet peeve of mine. How about a nice "Hello beautiful lady, allow me to introduce myself ___Etc___". Not to mention it says in my bio that I dislike small talk.

Holding back on the 'Pretty peeved, you seem like a massive mong' I settled on "Fine. Yourself?"
"Wut u up to tonite"
"Editing."
"Wut r you editing" 
"Gaming videos."
"I like ur pics especially the one that shows ur cleavage"

Well that escalated quickly. (This was immediately the biggest unmatch of my life!) *Slamming that button*
I also scrolled through my photos to make sure I hadn't uploaded something by accident and the only one he could have been referring to is this one:

Which I currently even have as my Facebook profile picture, I thought it was a really pretty background and nice smile! You'd have to be pretty lonely and desperate to notice front crack above those. 

Then on one random day of left swiping I come across a cute 30 year old, whose bio sounded right up my street. Geeky, archery, crafty, with a good joke about the other types of blokes on the app. So I right swiped. "It's a match!" popped up. I decided to message him right away to let him know his profile made me smile. He replied saying "Oh my God. An actual lady geek! You are such a rarity on here. I have to admit I really appreciated your bio too.The words "discuss aliens" "video games" and "junk food" are like a key combination to my heart. Also anyone who has their first picture of them getting hugged by a sea lion gains geek credits in my book." 

He was the first person to correctly notice that my picture is a sea lion as opposed to a seal! And his communication was great. I was sick of being messaged in short hand by other blokes. 

Our conversation continued through the week, discussing and recommending different games, sharing interests and hobbies, and exchanging subtle compliments.


I was beginning to get fed up with logging on and seeing 'New match - 3 hours ago' and no message from the person. Isn't that the purpose of the app, to speak to them once you match? So why not send a message when it pops up on the screen to introduce yourself? I didn't think it worth me sending them a message if they weren't my type, i.e. someone thoughtful and articulate. 

The geeky cute guy was still talking to me, eventually it got to the point where I was then wondering whether he'd ask to meet up. If I wasn't having a busy day, I would check Tinder every couple of hours just to see if he had replied. Then felt excited to see he had replied.  

However eventually the app fizzled out and although it is still on my tablet, I only check it once a month or so. I no longer speak to anyone from Tinder, except the mate I knew in person who I spotted on it. But that is definitely no more than 'bros'.

Tinder seems to be for a very specific type of people looking for a very specific type of activity. I'm not one of them. 


Missed part 1? You can read it by clicking here!
Visit my YouTube channel, I make gaming videos! (Opens new tab)

People That Take Ages to Reply

As someone that suffers with anxiety generally, phones are a nightmare. The build up to making an important phone call, the pacing back and forth to gain the courage to speak to someone, and worst of all waiting for text responses on days where you are not busy enough to keep distracted. 

I don't have an iPhone, I have a Windows phone. So I do not have the ellipses bubble pop up to let me know they are typing a response. You think it's bad when you see that bubble and are waiting for their reply? Try using a phone that doesn't alert you if they've even seen your text. No way of knowing whether they've seen your message, if they're busy, ignoring you, dead, or their phone is broken. 

The process goes a little like this:

After sending an important or risky text and not getting a reply in minutes, you know your mind is going to start playing tricks on you. 

You put your phone face down in the hope that It will prevent you from checking it. When in fact it makes you pick it up more to see if you just missed a text. 

You start to hear things that sound like your text notification sound, only to see nothing.

You wonder whether your text actually went through at all, and triple check that it says the date and time under your message. 

You consider sending another to say "Just a quick text to make sure you got my first one?" which in some situations is dodgy. If you're checking on your teenager, this is okay. But if it's a text to someone you're recently dating, no! 

You start to feel like a psycho and realise that they just might be busy, or have had no signal. 

But then get annoyed when remembering all the other platforms they could contact you on, or worse: You see them online in Facebook chat!

Yes!!! You heard that, that was definitely a text! *Opens it to reveal someone other than the person you're waiting for a reply from*

You try to distract yourself with other things, which if you're alone on a Sunday is difficult to do! But even if you leave your phone in another room and put it on silent you find yourself still going to check on it.

Ughh! Still nothing. *Slamming it back down*

*Walks out of the room saying "Well f*** you then. I have better things to do than wait for you."*  ...  *Only to walk back in to check again 10 minutes later* 

Yes! They've finally replied! That wasn't so bad. I'll just type my quick response back now. 

*Types quick yet reply-able response*...

...

You think 'Okay what the hell? I just replied 23 seconds after I got your text and now 3 hours later no reply again?' 

You decide to make it a bit clearer that you're expecting a reply by texting "Hey there! Just wanted to double check you are on for Saturday evening. Do you still need a lift? Let me know if you want me to bring that book I told you about"

No reply that day but alas! Late the following morning you hear the satisfying ping of your text notification. 

You see their name and excitedly open their text to reveal...

"Ok"

*Hurls phone out the window* Arghhh! 

Rant of a Retail Worker

I work in a supermarket and i've seen it all. Strange people buying condoms and arse medicine, people wetting themselves, and lonely people buying lots and lots and LOTS of wine. But in this blog, I'm going to highlight some small yet common customer mistakes, that probably irritate the staff in store.

• Unless you are very old or disabled, there is no reason to stroll so slowly down the middle of an aisle unaware of those around you! It's like having road rage trying to get past these people when you're on your way to a break. Oh, which is 10 minutes now, thank you! 

• Please don't ask me really obscure things, as I'm not an expert. I will not know off the top of my head whether we have apetina with garlic any more, I'll have to check. We don't have stripy blue prawn cocktail flavoured bin bags, sorry. 

• I'm a little bit deaf, so please don't mumble! So far i've had customers ask me if we have 'chink doritos', salmonella, and 'where are the sewers'... 

• Get off the darn phone when i'm trying to serve you. We have to make conversation and it's difficult to do when you're moaning to your husband or telling your friend that you want to catch up soon. It's also always conveniently at the end of scanning the shop that these people go "I'm at the checkout now, got to go" ...Don't hold up the queue for your chit chat! 

• SMILE at me! If I smile at you, which will be always, then smile back. That's basic manners. If the older people can do it while they're struggling to hold themselves up, you there with your Louis Vuitton bag can. Snob. 

• We don't have every single item in the whole world ever. So when you ask the checkout supervisor for something you forgot to look for and they bring you a different one as we don't do yours, don't whinge to me. They did their job! 

• No I can't scan your loyalty card after I've finished your shop and said have a nice day. Spaz. 

• Do. Not. Throw. Things. At. Me! This really really really winds me up. I have my hand held out, do not throw your loyalty card at me while you see if you have any vouchers in the depths of your Louis Vuitton. Not only does it damage my nails to scrape it off the counter, but it's bad manners. My big customer service grin usually twitches at this point. 

• On that note, clean your damn nails! So many people I see with really short nails seems to be unaware that they actually have a nail FUNGUS. Short nails on ladies generally really creep me out anyway, so please don't touch me. 

• I've never understood what peoples problem is with being asked for ID. Yes you do look under 25. If that's a problem then don't drink! And oh look, I was right to ID you as you're only 20. 

• Don't eat something, then expect me to be fine with touching the gross leftovers to scan it. Okay, a packet of crisps is fine provided you have the cash if your card gets declined. But eating a banana and leaving the skin is NOT okay. No. Nonono. 

• If you drop something, please pick it up... It doesn't magically find its way on to the shelf again, I have to bend over to get it. Especially don't drop it, then stare straight into my eyes as you walk away as though to say "Yeees, you pick up my sh*t now."

  

• Please don't hover around where i'm working trying to build up the courage to come and flirt with me. It's so awkward. 

• If you stack things on the conveyor belt so high, things are bound to fall off. Don't moan that it was the last one when that glass object you 'carefully' placed on top of 7 yoghurts falls over and smashes. 

• And oh my goodness me, control your kids! Don't let them climb on the conveyor belt. Everyone in the store is secretly hoping they get their finger caught. Or better yet their lips, so they might seal shut. 

With all this said, I really like my job. Things that actually get to me are so rare, and I have so many people that come to my till/aisle and make me feel really good. I have people that chat to me about their pets, a holiday, or tell me a joke. And a good compliment can get me through a whole shift! But sorry, I won't give you my number.  

Fiancé Does My Nails

Here we have it. I challenged Andy to attempt certain nail designs that I've previously done.. Here are his efforts compared to my original work!

It initially looked as though the Minion was half way through brushing his teeth. He forgot the grey round the goggles, and he has no arms or hair! Gelato?

No, this isn't roadkill or something left in a toilet. It's Andy's attempt at a heart.

He gets a bit of credit for this one, it's quite neat. However there's been a top coat fail as you can see near the top left corner, he's not started at the top of the nail. 

 

Oh Dear. Oh Dear Dear Dear. What's right about this? At least it wasn't a "P" or something. It looks like an omelette. 

He's got the right idea, just not the steady hand for it!

While we had fun doing this in the hour or so it took, I think I'll stick to doing my own nails, and he'll stick to Football!

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