Return of the... Bumble girl?

Part 1- Confessions of a Tinder girl
Part 2- Return of the Tinder girl

After my last relationship I found myself asking, what exactly is my type? I'm repulsed by most types of people. I know that no gender makes a difference to my attraction, but I'm very fussy when it comes to their interests and skills. I'm constantly drawn to the tortured artists, struggling musicians, the people who try to make others laugh. But in 9/10 occasions for me they come with such low self esteem that it drags me down too. I end up trying to help that person and neglect myself. Because they're good people, they deserve it right? It's not how a relationship should be.

So who would I date? It's not so much who would I date, but what would the purpose be. If their profile is filled with just sports, we wouldn't enjoy spending time together. Do I want children? Now that I'm in my thirties I feel truly over the hill like it would be impossible. Would I date someone that already has children? I'd rather not. I'm convinced there's nobody mentally stable enough to cope with raising children AND looking after a disabled partner. (Even though really, I do know those people exist.)

I was noticing a pattern of exactly the same type of people showing up. Bland sense of style, jeans and black tight top. Short or shaved hair. A physique which shows they go to the gym every day. I'd like them to be in shape, but I don't want someone that's obsessed with their looks or fitness, I'd rather be with someone that took that hour each day to read a book or learn a language.

Then there was the other end of the spectrum, and had the typical thirty-something physique a little early in life. One that shows they can now afford a lot of nice food, and are probably stress eating because of work.

Many people decided the best way to promote their personality (or lack of) was to type "ask me" in the section that's supposed to detail a short self reference. If they were applying for a job, I'd have paper airplaned their CV straight into the recycling bin.

I came across a bass player and asked if he has any videos of him playing. He told me the band name and I watched their content on YouTube. I let him know they were pretty good and that I'd watch him live. He replied humbly that many people do and that was that, no follow up questions or comments about me, no interest in me.

I rejoined tinder also, to see if there was a different species of fish in that pond. I came across a LOT of profiles that stated they were carnivores. One of which had "look after yourself and the planet" in their bio... another had their main photo set to one of them eating a burger and chips. What a waste of bun/lettuce/tomato/sauce/potato if they're a carnivore.

                                                                                       
Sometimes I would log on to the apps and pull the "???" face because I don't have any messages, particularly if it had been left on me making the effort and it was 'their turn'.

That offended feeling when I spend a good minute or two mulling over someone's profile, really scraping the bottom of my requirements, and swipe yes only to discover it's not a match.

I came across someone who described in his profile that he was looking for someone unique, "not cookie cutter". Again I did the "???" face when we didn't match.

Sometimes as I'm scrolling I think about exactly what I'm looking for. If someone catches my interest (normally when they have something witty in their typed bio), I read the rest of it properly. If they have selected "Christian" I swipe no. If it says "have and want more" under children, I swipe no. I wonder if other people are properly looking at my profile, if they're looking for something casual are they double checking everyone to see if they say "relationship"? Or are they just swiping on anyone they find attractive?

If someone plays an instrument it normally draws me in. But I can say I've had ZERO interesting conversations with these people. It's hard work, I get the impression they've got a lot of people talking to them so are only giving short replies with no reciprocation. It puts me off saying yes to others. I also hesitate when the person has selected "don't know yet" under what they're looking for. I used to have this on my profile, when it was weeks after a break up and I wasn't looking to rush into anything (as in, I was looking for friendship but if the perfect person came along I wouldn't complain)

I scrolled no on a Tory catholic plasterer who typed "no dossers please ..." in his bio.

My eyes widened with curiosity when I came across someone that typed "daddy" in their bio, but my excitement turned to disappointment when I realised they meant father.

Some profiles contain nothing except "looking to meet someone and see where it goes" which I find incredibly boring. It's not selling yourself. It's like your CV saying nothing except "looking for a job idk if I'll stay though".

I've seen a dozen or so that say "no crazy ex girlfriends" and I wonder what they mean. Does it mean they wouldn't date someone with mental health problems? What exactly is their definition of crazy? And surely if they did, they'd just get a restraining order and their ex partners status isn't relevant to future relationships?

I swiped no on a profile whose bio consisted of nothing but 30 emojis. It hurt my eyes to see and my brain to attempt to decode.

One interaction (since deleted) went approximately as follows. I wasn't really attracted to him but was into music so I swiped right. He messaged four short lines "I'm hungover", "I've got the hangover horn for you" and two other gross but forgettable half sentences. Pissed off, I replied "you should drink water, avoid screens, and not drink again if you still don't know your limits by your age". I've got a fucking phobia of drunk people and my profile says teetotal, what the fuck would make him think I'm into irresponsible people.

Some people are cute, but aren't selling themselves so I consider my social stamina and the likely probability that I'll be doing the 'verbal' hard work.

Twice I found myself reluctantly swiping yes on people and then muttering "but they might be short", surprised at myself as I didn't think it mattered to me. Maybe I genuinely do want to be the baby girl. Some other really shallow things I caught myself saying are "his face is too round", "all the photos are the same angle", and "why are no photos full body shots?".

Some people are really insecure. They say things like "I'm finally free from the drama in my last relationship", "you won't even bother to read this" or "I don't know why I'm even on here"

People in their late thirties really were polar opposites physically. Either they looked ten years older and are super overweight, or had passed that common 'let themselves go' phase and were really fit and healthy looking.

There was someone who typed the exact things I'm into (tantra, veganism, and other things) but I think I was too far away for them and we didn't match.

I discover a profile with a blank black photo, and a description that reads "seeking mature female 21+". Since when was 21 mature? It must be a porn thing, it's either 'teen' where they look like a child under 15, or mature which includes anything 16 and over. 🤢

I consider swiping yes on everyone and allowing them to make the conversation, just incase someone's actually perfect when they all look far from it.

On several occasions I have matched with someone, only for them to message and tell me I'm too far. I reply informing of their own negligence to ACCURATELY SET THE DISTANCE, as they choose how far they want to travel with their matches! 


I see my first combover on a 32 year old. He had even gelled it. I think I'd be too distracted to be able to listen to what he's saying so I left swipe.

I left swipe someone else that typed "I eat meat and ass" in his bio, deciding at least one of those is shitty. (Get it)

I encounter a bizarre profile that seemed to be promoting religion. The photos consisted of text that explained my lack of prayer was the reason for my mental health problems. Isn't this how Noel Edmonds became hated? I was tempted to match and ask if they can cure my autism, which should make their head explode with the paradox that god supposedly created everything, and everything is perfect including the babies he zaps with painful diseases.

I accidentally swipe yes on a couch potato, exclaiming "oh god no" (look, God is already affecting me from the prophet I just swiped no on), and then felt a tinge of offence when they didn't swipe yes back.

I matched with a very generic man on okcupid (where people are USUALLY more interesting and eccentric) so I waited for him to message first. He tried the predicted small talk "how's it going"? I replied "how's what going? 🙂". He replied "Wonderful thanks 👍" and continued the small talk. I wasn't sure if he was a bot, or being sarcastic as I didn't small talk back to him. I don't give a shit how you are or how's it going, which is why I didn't ask. The rest of the evening I depleted my small talk energy and we spoke about me being in the park with a load of aphids. He said I'll have to wait until October to go back. I said an amusing "everything with wings goes in, and the rainbow goblin comes out to buy vegan cheese". I woke up to see I had been unmatched and I was a little relieved, it's like having a shit customer leave your shop and say they're never coming back.

I accidentally swiped yes on someone that was definitely not my type and I hoped they matched back so I could immediately unlatch before they saw. They didn't match, but the next day I saw the message that they had. I viewed it to see it simply said matched, they didn't even type a message to me! I was a little offended, as it was one of the very rare occasions where I consider myself to be out of someone's league (Try to imagine the meme of the incel guy from South Park).

I swipe past a photo that looks like it was taken on a Nokia 3310. The next person was so blurry it looks like they've walked out the supermarket in Stephen King's "the Mist".

A lot of people type "I'm not very good at writing these so just ask" and I wonder what they do for their CV? Surely at least get friends to help describe you. At least give a hint about one fucking hobby. Jesus we don't have time to interview every human in a 100 mile radius.

Sometimes I'll open with something witty, something that takes an interest in them, or a conversation starter. They then reply with something short and closed. My face does an expression towards my phone that conveys "Ok? You may proceed with trying to fucking impress me now..."

Once in a while I'll get briefly excited because I misread "genuine" as "German"

Bumble makes me speak first, so I asked one match 'What's something you've never done that you'd like to?'. I unmatched quickly when they answered "A spontaneous fling". There's nothing in my profile that indicates I'm up for that.

I came across a profile of a person I knew. I opened their information to see if I would have swiped yes or no if I hadn't known them, and immediately spot that they're religious which is in my hard pass selection.

I took a trip down to Brighton to see a band, and noticed bumble was very different. People were a lot more young hippie and a lot less Phil Mitchell. I was also getting considerably more matches, like I was peoples type here.

I enter in my profile that I'm only here for two days, and I match with a German artist who is here for a games convention. We didn't end up meeting. I matched with someone else who mentioned they were here temporarily and asked them if they were here for that too. Two days later, they replied yes, and asked the dreaded "you?" I didn't bother replying 'Erm, I left yesterday'

At one point I had a sudden realisation that if I were going to meet the one, I'd have to actually right swipe on people.

When I arrived home from Brighton, I noticed a large increase in the amount of women that were showing up. And they were practically all the same type, almost all of them had filters on their photos and it was a bedroom mirror selfie. These people aren't my type.

I encounter for the 84th time someone I keep swiping no on, who has now changed his main photo to one with a hat on. I definitely think this was strategic.

I match with a vegan trans girl looking for friends only. I decide to open by asking about vegan places in her area. She had a closed reply telling me there aren't really any. Well thanks for the interesting friendship 🥴

I come to the possible conclusion that I have depleted single people in my area, as I keep getting repeats of people I swiped no on, and a lot of accounts that are further than my set distance or look fake. And not in a "they look too good to be true" fake but boring bog standard Newcastle people with photos from nights out.

After finishing this third instalment, I've noticed I'm a little more judgemental, fussy, and have no time for nonsense. I think I've finally reached the point in life where I don't NEED someone to be complete - I get unconditional love from my dog anyway. 🥰

Would you like a part 4 some day? Tell me over on Instagram what you think!

Part 1- Confessions of a Tinder girl
Part 2- Return of the Tinder girl

Return Of The Tinder Girl

Alrighty so after the success of my previous blog (Click here!) I decided to re-join Tinder to see what else I could find in the crevices of modern technology. Is there a Mr. Romantic on here, or is it just a place to propose "Netflix and chill"?  

Almost immediately I came across my first dick. No I don't mean another misleading profile of an arrogant man, I mean an actual PENIS as a profile picture.

Guys, while you may positively shiver when you see boobs, it doesn't quite work the same way for us. Showing us a picture of your privates isn't quite so erotic. "Oh, hey... There's a, there's that. Okie dokie then." 

I decided to change my bio, making it a little bit clearer just how quirky I am. I added "Small talk is too awkward, let's go for a walk, discuss aliens, video game lore and eat junk food!" - I also figured this would filter out the gym addicts. Assuming men actually read bios before swiping right. 

I had a mutual left swipe from someone who claimed to be a geek, but wasn't particularly chatty. His sentences were very short and he almost immediately mentioned meeting up. NO HEY. I want to know if you're a boring call of duty gamer or a true geek. 

After he mentioned meeting up I asked this guy what kind of things he is in to, expecting him to tell me what to expect should we go on a date. He replied "Game, cycle and gym haha wbu?x" - Hmm. None of those apply to a date, do they? I replied "Games, art, museums and Didney Wurll".

I am starting to notice that a lot of the time, people's locations are set wrong. It will say something like "Living in __ but studying in __". So where are you? Are you the distance it says you are or not? And other profiles say they are living abroad, so what is the point in setting your profile to living in the UK and getting matches with people over here? Long distance relationships are not very fun.  

There were bio keywords that I found were a barrier to keep reading and an automatic left swipe. These were words such as "Clubbing" (Seal or party?), "Gym", "Army" and "Kids". 

Certain profile pictures were also an immediate "Please swipe left quicker, fingers". It doesn't matter how great your torso is, I don't want to see it at this stage. 

Occasionally I'd complain "Shit, I didn't mean to do that" when I accidentally accepted someone, and think "Please don't like me back!"

I then came across the profile of someone I knew in person! I didn't know whether to swipe right and go "HAAA, I didn't know you were on here bro" or whether there would be awkwardness if he thought I right swiped because I want to date him. He's a really decent mate, so I pressed the red 'x' to dismiss. 

There was a gent with a blank bio, who looked okay and had photos outdoors. I thought they may have just created his profile and not yet filled in the information. I was disappointed when the following day I got the incredibly thrilling message "Hi"...
I fought off the urge to say "Not the most engaging of introductions!" and said "Hello." After all, why should I waste my eloquent skills on someone that won't/cant reciprocate? 

About 20 mins later "Hows u". I mini raged, because 'hows u' is a pet peeve of mine. How about a nice "Hello beautiful lady, allow me to introduce myself ___Etc___". Not to mention it says in my bio that I dislike small talk.

Holding back on the 'Pretty peeved, you seem like a massive mong' I settled on "Fine. Yourself?"
"Wut u up to tonite"
"Editing."
"Wut r you editing" 
"Gaming videos."
"I like ur pics especially the one that shows ur cleavage"

Well that escalated quickly. (This was immediately the biggest unmatch of my life!) *Slamming that button*
I also scrolled through my photos to make sure I hadn't uploaded something by accident and the only one he could have been referring to is this one:

Which I currently even have as my Facebook profile picture, I thought it was a really pretty background and nice smile! You'd have to be pretty lonely and desperate to notice front crack above those. 

Then on one random day of left swiping I come across a cute 30 year old, whose bio sounded right up my street. Geeky, archery, crafty, with a good joke about the other types of blokes on the app. So I right swiped. "It's a match!" popped up. I decided to message him right away to let him know his profile made me smile. He replied saying "Oh my God. An actual lady geek! You are such a rarity on here. I have to admit I really appreciated your bio too.The words "discuss aliens" "video games" and "junk food" are like a key combination to my heart. Also anyone who has their first picture of them getting hugged by a sea lion gains geek credits in my book." 

He was the first person to correctly notice that my picture is a sea lion as opposed to a seal! And his communication was great. I was sick of being messaged in short hand by other blokes. 

Our conversation continued through the week, discussing and recommending different games, sharing interests and hobbies, and exchanging subtle compliments.


I was beginning to get fed up with logging on and seeing 'New match - 3 hours ago' and no message from the person. Isn't that the purpose of the app, to speak to them once you match? So why not send a message when it pops up on the screen to introduce yourself? I didn't think it worth me sending them a message if they weren't my type, i.e. someone thoughtful and articulate. 

The geeky cute guy was still talking to me, eventually it got to the point where I was then wondering whether he'd ask to meet up. If I wasn't having a busy day, I would check Tinder every couple of hours just to see if he had replied. Then felt excited to see he had replied.  

However eventually the app fizzled out and although it is still on my tablet, I only check it once a month or so. I no longer speak to anyone from Tinder, except the mate I knew in person who I spotted on it. But that is definitely no more than 'bros'.

Tinder seems to be for a very specific type of people looking for a very specific type of activity. I'm not one of them. 


Missed part 1? You can read it by clicking here!
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