People That Take Ages to Reply

As someone that suffers with anxiety generally, phones are a nightmare. The build up to making an important phone call, the pacing back and forth to gain the courage to speak to someone, and worst of all waiting for text responses on days where you are not busy enough to keep distracted. 

I don't have an iPhone, I have a Windows phone. So I do not have the ellipses bubble pop up to let me know they are typing a response. You think it's bad when you see that bubble and are waiting for their reply? Try using a phone that doesn't alert you if they've even seen your text. No way of knowing whether they've seen your message, if they're busy, ignoring you, dead, or their phone is broken. 

The process goes a little like this:

After sending an important or risky text and not getting a reply in minutes, you know your mind is going to start playing tricks on you. 

You put your phone face down in the hope that It will prevent you from checking it. When in fact it makes you pick it up more to see if you just missed a text. 

You start to hear things that sound like your text notification sound, only to see nothing.

You wonder whether your text actually went through at all, and triple check that it says the date and time under your message. 

You consider sending another to say "Just a quick text to make sure you got my first one?" which in some situations is dodgy. If you're checking on your teenager, this is okay. But if it's a text to someone you're recently dating, no! 

You start to feel like a psycho and realise that they just might be busy, or have had no signal. 

But then get annoyed when remembering all the other platforms they could contact you on, or worse: You see them online in Facebook chat!

Yes!!! You heard that, that was definitely a text! *Opens it to reveal someone other than the person you're waiting for a reply from*

You try to distract yourself with other things, which if you're alone on a Sunday is difficult to do! But even if you leave your phone in another room and put it on silent you find yourself still going to check on it.

Ughh! Still nothing. *Slamming it back down*

*Walks out of the room saying "Well f*** you then. I have better things to do than wait for you."*  ...  *Only to walk back in to check again 10 minutes later* 

Yes! They've finally replied! That wasn't so bad. I'll just type my quick response back now. 

*Types quick yet reply-able response*...

...

You think 'Okay what the hell? I just replied 23 seconds after I got your text and now 3 hours later no reply again?' 

You decide to make it a bit clearer that you're expecting a reply by texting "Hey there! Just wanted to double check you are on for Saturday evening. Do you still need a lift? Let me know if you want me to bring that book I told you about"

No reply that day but alas! Late the following morning you hear the satisfying ping of your text notification. 

You see their name and excitedly open their text to reveal...

"Ok"

*Hurls phone out the window* Arghhh! 

Confessions of a Tinder Girl

I joined Tinder in late May 2015 not for a quick fling, not because I was searching for Mr. Right, but because I was just so curious as to what type of people were using it. Is it the new way of dating? In the age of fast food, coffees to go and instant messaging, was this app the key to successful modern relationships? 

There is a personal profile section where you type a short bio and select up to 6 images. For my main picture I decided on the zoo visit with a sea lion hugging me. I felt it portrayed my child like personality well, after all I wasn't going to post sexy pics. I didn't want to give off the wrong impression. I then posted a few different shots, a collage of me feeding animals, a close up with my sunflower earrings, and one with my hair in a different style.

As I got started on the function of the app I soon came to the realisation that most of the people on here were looking for something very specific. I lost count of my left swipes of topless gym selfies, and bios which read "tattoed", "6ft3" and "I love a drink". It made me wonder whether most of the ladies' bio on here reads their bra size and weight.

There was also the odd image that was definitely a wedding portrait, and I occasionally found myself squinting trying to work out if the lady getting a piggy back was a sibling or girlfriend. 

There was also the odd person definitely female, who must have accidentally set her Facebook profile to state male. I wonder at what point she realises why she isn't getting matches. Some people's pictures consisted entirely of their children, making me ponder if they downloaded the wrong category of app. 

Some people didn't have an image or bio at all. Just the plain Facebook silhouette. 

*Continues to left swipe*

Occasionally someone would catch my attention. Usually when the main photo is a pleasant friendly looking non-arrogant photo of them smiling. (There are so many moody looking close ups on Tinder...) People with main images that would automatically be skipped without any bio reading: Topless, group photos, gym selfies, smoking, grumpy pouting, covered in tattoos, a beer in each hand, a motorbike, and anyone who looked like they are lying about their age. Maybe I'm picky, or maybe the Tinder pond with available fish was full of anchovies.  

One particular person had a main profile picture with an elephant in the background. I clicked to read his bio and he seemed nice enough. I swiped right to be greeted with "It's a Match!" meaning he had already right swiped me. I wasn't sure of the etiquette when it comes to who messages first, and whether it is acceptable to message right after a match.

Within about 20 minutes he had messaged me. A general greeting consisting of the usual "Hey, how are you?", "Do you have any good plans?" small talk. After chatting for a few days it became much less formal, talking about what we were watching on Netflix. I managed to convince him to give Once Upon A Time a chance. 

One morning I opened up Tinder to see a 'Moment' posted from him, which is like an image status update. Moments stay posted for 24 hours and people have the option to like the picture. His picture consisted of simple bold black text reading "Where are all the submissive girls looking for a dominant man?!" 

I unmatched him and immediately went to edit my personal profile to include "I'm looking for friends".

I had about 10 matches, and I was mid conversation with three of them. One other was online at least every hour yet had not responded to my greeting, which to me said he must have had a lot of matches. I pressed the 'unmatch' button. I also unmatched two who hadn't been online in three weeks. Maybe they had found love! 

It was unwritten etiquette that the person to match last would be the first person to message, so I grew frustrated with new matches that didn't speak at all. Do you seriously have so many matches that you can't speak to them? Maybe you should raise your standards if you're right swiping so many people. 

Shortly after the dominant man, I came across a good looking profile. Tall, dark and handsome, properly filled out paragraph, and someone that bothered to message first after the match. I felt more enthusiastic to chat when the man messaged first. 

Small talk progressing, our conversations were ongoing over the coming days. We spoke about our favourite products from lush, our interests and plans. When I said where I am from, he said "That's a bit of a drive...". We were about a half hour drive from each other, which I didn't think was far at all. My best friend is about that far and we see each other regularly. I found this a tad odd too, as it shows the distance before you swipe to match. 
Continuing my 'research', I came across a profile whose image was of a white van. It made me think his phone accidentally unlocked in his pocket and downloaded Tinder. I was tempted to right swipe to ask, but I'm sure there could also be many more reasons for the white van, some I wouldn't want to find out about. 

I have to admit, there were a couple of occasions where I have swiped left only to then exclaim "No! I meant right!!" and lost a handsome outdoorsy animal and Netflix lover. 

The 'handsome man' was still chatting to me, and would often make effort to message and update me on what he was doing, what was going on with work, and asking how I am if we hadn't spoken in a while. He went on a trip abroad with his family, but still kept in touch. 

A couple of weeks of chatting to him he was back from his trip, and I got a message asking how I am. I said 'All good here, how are you?' And he replied "I'm deleting this but here is my number - ###" I wondered why he wanted to keep in touch, when he'd mentioned the distance being a problem. 

I saved his number and text him to let him know mine. He asked what I was up to and there was a bit of small talk before the following message:

"I know you said you aren't looking for love but I wanted to say that this will probably remain platonic, is that ok?"

I remembered previously telling him (As well as it being in my personal bio) that I was looking for friends, so this wasn't a problem to me. What WAS a problem was when I remembered that he mentioned the distance being an issue. After all what kind of rubbish friendship exists only through text? I replied "Of course! Is that why you deleted the app, you got lucky? xD"

He responded saying "Kinda, I'm gonna see how it plays out". 

I then realised, maybe I was the back up lady that he'd go for if this one didn't work out for him! I initially found it peculiar that he wanted to keep in touch through mobile, even though he said it's a bit far...

So said "I was disappointed when you said Stockton was 'a bit of a drive'" as I had seen a potential friendship and wanted to confirm that he still wanted to proceed in this 'platonic' way. His reply was even more disappointing "Well it is!" 

I should note here that on Tinder, you have to set what distance radius you want to search, so he had set that himself. I decided not to contact him again. 


Tinder started to die out for me as I soon found it very boring. People on here didn't seem to be the conversational type, I was very rarely impressed with anyone's paragraph of information and I was just endlessly left swiping. I have arrived at the conclusion that it is more a social network for quick hook ups, as opposed to an app to create meaningful conversations or friendships. I deleted the app in early July.  
*Sips Tea* 

How To Get Over A Break Up

I've experienced heartbreak a number of times, ranging from miserable hindrance to utterly soul crushing. Along the way I have picked up a few tips that I have found to be helpful. I'll share them with you in this blog post, in the hope that I can help you get through this difficult time. 

Accept that it will hurt

There are different stages of break up, and the level of pain, time length of recovery, and emotions felt will be different for everyone. The following 5 steps are the standard process for grieving. 

1 - Denial

We may go through this one DURING the relationship. We may feel there's something seriously wrong, but feel too scared to end things as heartbreak is a tough emotion. Alternatively if we've been dumped out of the blue, we can spend some time thinking "This has to be a prank. Everything was going great! I didn't do anything wrong. They love me!".

2 - Anger

You might want to call them every name under the sun. Tell everyone how horrible they were. This is usually as we are simply desperate for their attention. We want some kind of interaction with them, even if it's an argument. You are most likely feeling angry at them for wasting your time. 

3 - Bargaining

This is the stage in which you may reason with them, ask them what needs to change in order for you to be with them. You beg for attention, start to blame yourself. Do whatever it takes so that you don't have to go through these feelings any more.  

4 - Depression

This is a very difficult stage, as you have to fight the natural urge to shut yourself away in your room and weep. You want everyone to feel sorry for you and comfort you, yet you know none of it will work. You just need to stretch through it, get out there. Get some sunlight and see people that make you feel happy. 

 5 - Acceptance

This is where you begin to stop doubting things and yourself. You realise it isn't the end of the world, and that you're okay. You will be okay. That every cloud has a silver lining. You also start to really appreciate the other people around you that are helping you, that you may not have noticed before (We can often feel completely isolated no matter how many friends we are surrounded by)

Tips That May Help You

Cry. Or not.

It's okay to cry. You're a human being, you have emotions. Decide to curl up for 5 minutes and let it all out, then splash your face and go for a walk or out with friends, and decide not to cry again. Avoid staying indoors daily for weeks on end, as your thoughts will run away with you. You'll escape the positive side of reality, and it will hinder your recovery.

No Contact

This is so. So. So. SO important. You must resist the urge to not text them, email them, or stand outside their house with a boombox. Block them from social media. Delete their number and email. Nothing good has ever come from begging or stalking an ex, and opening communication lines with them just makes things more difficult for you. Just sending them a quick text telling them you still love them can be a big set back in your recovery, not to mention it chips away at your dignity. You'll be forever checking your phone waiting for a reply. If you find yourself reaching for the phone, put it down and immediately occupy your mind with something else. You may need to contact them if you have children together, are in the process of moving out, or work together. But keep it as minimal as possible and keep chat relevant to those topics. 

Write a List

Of all the things you do NOT like about them. Did they pick their nose publicly? Were they arrogant? Maybe they had no ambition. Kept you up at night with their snoring. Write a list of all the reasons you would NOT like to be with them and refer to it when you are starting to miss them. No 'buts,' I.E. "He was selfish but so was I" or "He didn't treat me right but maybe he was just depressed". Don't show anyone your list, simply keep it for your own personal healing. Refer to this list when you find yourself missing them. When you've reached stage 5 (Or sooner if you like), you can tear it up.

Adopt a New Mindset

See it as a new chapter of your life, a new beginning. This is a positive thing. There are more things that are available for you to do now, compared to the few things that you are not able to do (Temporarily). Accept that this person has been a part of your past, but there will be a new, more suitable person in your future. 

Learn from It

Try to take some values from it. Learn what kind of person you are, and what kind of things you want in a potential partner for the future. When you are recovered, you will have a better idea of what exactly you want with regards to a future relationship. You know what you like and what you can't compromise on.  

Read Break up Books and Articles

I found it particularly helpful to read other blog posts and books on the topic, to keep my mind on the fact that all is not lost. My favourite book of all time is "Getting Over Mr. Right" by Chrissy Manby. It is fiction, but tells the tale of a girl who goes through a devastating break up and does everything she can to get him back. In the end she comes to her senses. I also recommend "It's called a breakup because it's broken" which offers humorous analogies that get you thinking. 

"But there's nobody else like them!"

That's a good thing. You don't WANT someone like them as it simply won't work. You just haven't met the person that will treat you the way you want to be treated. This doesn't mean you will never get those feelings you had with them, it's very easy to have those lovely feelings with someone else, someone far more compatible. You will find somebody better, and regain your independence too.

Rebound

Some of us feel so desperate for companionship, and are so scared of being alone, we will take whatever we can get. A rebound is never a good idea, as jumping into a relationship too soon means you're not giving yourself enough time to re-nourish your soul, regain your independence, and be happy with who you are. It also leaves you more vulnerable. And one night stands can leave you feeling even more rejected and worse about yourself. This also applies to the feelings of wanting to call a different ex, which is how we can feel during those desperate times. To want someone to listen.

Feng Shui

Moving around furniture can help the soul. It will make you feel refreshed. Re-arrange your bedroom or living room, or paint your house as a hint to your subconscious that you want to change and feel better.

Don't Do Anything Drastic

It may be tempting to try to numb those horrible painful emotions by doing something drastic. Getting a tattoo, an extreme haircut, or to move away. You need to work through these feelings before you make any big decisions, as we tend to use these changes while we are in denial to mask that pain. We also tend to change our physical appearance to make the other person realise what they have lost. It's important to have self esteem, but remember you aren't trying to win them back. It ended because you aren't compatible. 

Don't Put Yourself Down

If you've only just started the stages, this list may have little affect on you because you're still in shock. You may be reading it while your mind shouts at you "You can't get on with your life, you need them!" Shut them up by concentrating on a hobby, or verbally SAYING "shut up" to it. Try some verbal affirmations: It can help to look in a mirror with a smile and repeat out loud "I am beautiful/handsome, smart, independent and successful". Also try "I WILL get through this", "I have confidence in myself" and "I am going to be okay".

Positivity

This is one of the most difficult parts. It's tough to be positive when you're insides are screaming "I'm dying!". It's hard to smile with friends when we just want to cry and keep telling them how much this person hurt us. By keeping positive and saying good things - whether it be about yourself or something irrelevant - It will benefit your progression through the stages. It also makes us feel good when we compliment others. Tell your best friend how good her hair looks. Tell your mum the dinner she made was great and you appreciate her for it. You will bounce off other people's happiness and feel better about yourself.

Use Support Networks

Keep your family and friends close. Sometimes in relationships we drift from some friendships, but the true friends will be there for you. If you have a local mental health team, you can also visit your doctor to refer you to them for extra help if you feel depressed. If you are feeling suicidal, you can call an ambulance on 999 if in the UK. Here is a list of suicide hotlines, which I urge you to get in contact with if you are feeling very low about your break up.   

Fall in Love with Something Else 

Rekindle your love with something else. Your passion for animals, music, art etc. Sing your heart out to your favourite songs. Spend some time with a pet or volunteer at a rescue centre. Take a solo trip to an art gallery to really get lost in some art work. 

If you need somebody to be there for you but don't know where to go, feel free to leave a comment in this blog. I know how trapping and painful these emotions are. Here's to your recovery.