This blog post will potentially have a number of triggers for any of you that have similar conditions. Please think carefully about whether reading this will benefit you in any way. I will open up about Borderline Personality Disorder and it's traits, and some of my experiences. By doing this, I hope to reach out to others that may be in similar situations and assure them they are not alone. I was diagnosed with this condition in early 2015. To those that know me personally, I do hope you are not too shocked to discover what goes on inside this head of mine.
I get all kinds of reactions when I open up to people about my mental health condition. There's the "Why don't you just change", "It can't be that bad" and "There are people worse off than you" attitude, the "I know what you feel like"(You don't), "I'm here for you" and "That must be so hard to cope with". The most heartbreaking response was when I spoke to someone I felt I should have been able to trust, who then accused me of exaggerating, pretending, and being selfish. Instead of supporting me, they judged the way I was living my life, implying I was in a purposeless job, I was just after attention, and that I loved myself too much.
To someone who has had strong thoughts of suicide before, this is REALLY not what I needed to hear. It's now very difficult to open up to anyone about my condition, for fear of judgement. Or for people to think I am a horrible person, when I am definitely not.
We are easily triggered. It can take a single word to start us off on a burst of emotion. The word 'Disney' can make me squeal and clap. The word 'abuse' floods me with flashbacks to a past of all kinds of things I can't go in to, and immediately makes my heart pound. Even a picture can set us off. To those people that self harm, an image or phrase that even implies it can give them the urge to do it. While I have never self harmed in the 'conventional' way, I would dig my nails in or bite my hand when things got too much. I found that being artistic helped these urges, if I'm left to do it with music on loud. However I have not yet found a healthy way to express my emotions, this is a search I am still taking.
The part of BPD I personally find most difficult to cope with is the extreme emotions. Where a normal (I use that term loosely, because what is normal?) person will feel irritated about something, it will completely ruin our day. It will make us furious. Something insulting that a normal person will laugh off, we absorb and feel sick, stressed, unable to cope. A regular persons mood in an average day on a scale of 1 - 10 (1 being the extreme lows, wanting to end life, not feeling like they exist at all. And 10 being red mist rage, More excited than ever before, energetic to the point of not being able to sit down). will range between a 4 to a 6, Borderlines will go from a 2 to an 8, 2 to an 8. This can also be VERY sudden and unexpected, and we find it very difficult to stabilise that range. It's a common misconception that we like attention. In the same sense that someone who suffers with anxiety does not like attention for getting panic attacks, we do not burst in to tears for attention. It is embarrassing, often in the worst places and at the worst times.
Any threats from a borderline should be taken seriously. If we really want to harm ourselves, we will. You sometimes see public announcements on social networks with something along the lines of "The world would be better without me. I'm done" - And it makes me very mad to see these judged as attention seeking. Sometimes the people that post these statuses are actually on the fence about whether to end their life, and they need something to push them towards either choice. Giving them abuse will push them towards the horrible ending, and supporting them will give them hope. It's important to support them, ask them what it is they need. If they don't know what they need then you should just keep talking to them.
We change our mind a lot. "I want to live in the middle of nowhere away from everyone! People are horrible!" to "I need people. I am scared of being alone". We change our mind about a lot of things from what we want to eat to whether we want a relationship with someone. Acting on impulse, one small thing can change our view as we are easily persuaded.
The phrase "I hate you. Please don't leave me" may ring familiar. This is an example of how we get confused about what we want, but can't explain what it is we are feeling inside. "I really hate you, but I don't want to be without you". Over the years I've found communication a lot more difficult. I'm not a stupid person, but I can barely even spell any more. I'm great when viewing the letters and words, but if someone asks me to spell something I freeze up and can't picture the letters. I have to say the letters phonetically or it takes me a lot longer to spell. (Instead of 'ay', 'bee', 'see' - It's 'ah', 'buh', 'cuh')
It's very restricting trying to say something but not knowing the right words to explain it. Most of us are introverts as it makes life a little bit easier. We know that being outgoing means more people, more people out there to hurt us and to not understand us. Even going outdoors can be a struggle. For me, my mind will race with negative possibilities when I picture going somewhere by myself. My mind says "If I go outside, that's a higher chance that someone will attack me than if I'm curled on the sofa". Another one when I was working and it was busy, on a bad day my mind can kick in saying "There are 10 customers down this aisle with me. That's now a 10 times chance that I will be attacked, as opposed to if I were here alone". On a bad day, these thoughts completely restrict us from going about a normal life. For me they can spark panic attacks.
People with this condition are often animal lovers. They form attachments with animals that they struggle to form with other humans, and usually take care of their animals greatly. When someone feels insecure about themselves, it's a lot easier to care more about another living being. Animals are fantastic for mental health.
It's quite difficult for us to get jobs. Workplaces are not allowed to discriminate with mental health or any disability at all, but it's easy for them to choose someone with confident eye contact, a nice sense of style and lots to say about themselves over someone who has closed body language, sounds insincere about their interpersonal skills, and says things that are irrelevant. I can't speak for other people, but I have publicly cried at every job I have had. It's incredibly embarrassing but it's not a choice. It just happens as we get overwhelmed so easily. It's hard enough for a healthy person to do a menial job that has a lot of pressure, let alone someone who is unstable.
We tend to see things in black and white. You either do or you don't, you like it or you don't like it, you win or lose. There is no middle ground. There is no maybe. There is no "I'll tell you later" when you can say it now. There is no 'I will try'. We don't like to wait for things and get impatient with others. It's awful to suffer with this when we want to enjoy life but are constantly on edge, always in fight or flight and afraid of judgement.
We can often allow us to be in situations that are dangerous. Please be aware this following paragraph could be very triggering and upsetting. People with BPD often become attached to people very easily. If someone shows us interest and we like them too, we emotionally latch on. There is a fear of abandonment there that is fed by anyone that pays attention to us. We may form relationships that are not good for us, and even when they may be treating us in an abusive way, we stay. Any attention feels like a positive thing, even if it's dangerous. It makes stable relationships difficult as we don't know how to determine whether we are being treated in a way that is appropriate or that of a normal relationship.
Something else that can also quite hazardous is our impulsive nature. Borderlines get whatever thrill they can get from something that may be decided on impulse. This is often alcohol, drugs or casual sex. Personally, I have never ever taken drugs or smoked a cigarette, I have been teetotal for two and a half years as of typing this, and have not slept with a lot of people. I was always a third date kiss woman until I met my last partner, with whom I slept with on the first 'date'. However I am a shopper. I buy things unnecessarily, things that may be impractical but at the time are appealing. We are also pressured by sales people, and can buy things even though it may put us in a bad financial situation. The worst thing you can do to make their impulses worse, is to tell them not to do it or that they're wrong to do it. They will feel a great lack of support and probably do it even more, to get that positive feeling they crave.
We can live in a fantasy world. Personally, I am incredibly attached to Disney. I would give anything in the world as long as I can always have my teddy: Pin (A Pinocchio doll I have had since I was 2). For as long as I can remember, I have had an attachment to cuddly toys, I associate them with comfort. As a teenager, when I was bullied at school (And elsewhere...) I would come home to my bedroom and cry to my teddies, telling them the pain I was feeling. They didn't judge, they didn't answer back, or try to tell me I am wrong or change me.
The fact that most people don't understand us triggers a tremendous anxiety. If someone preaches for us to be a certain way, something which we cannot or don't want to do is very stressful. For example if we're invited to a wedding that's quite a drive away, being out of our comfort zone, in an unfamiliar place, or being on our own could prevent us from going. And when the person does not understand our reasons or implies we can't be bothered or don't rank them of enough importance to go, it's very upsetting.
Along a similar wavelength of being easily triggered, we are easily offended and irritated. Our minds seem to interpret things in the most negative way, and the most innocent of conversations can be taken as a personal insult. Something as simple as being the only one whose comment does not have a like on Facebook can trigger us and make us feel unwanted, worthless and hated. We are irked by the most trivial of things, people eating noisily, groups of kids on the street, the shop not having our product in stock, the rustling of newspapers. Grr! Small things annoy us much more than is healthy.
It isn't all negative. I've mentioned our caring nature regarding animals, we are also very creative people. We have a vast imagination and we may not even realise it sometimes. We make very good artists, writers, philosophers. I struggle to speak in person when triggered, yet I confidently sit here to type this blog. I care greatly about people and animals in need, and the earth. I'm spiritual and feel even more of a connection to the actual planet than most of the humans on it.
Being in a relationship with a borderline is a rollercoaster. You have to be prepared for the mood swings, you need to be patient and compassionate. You need to make the first move, because we are too scared of abandonment and rejection. Getting angry at a Borderline will result in them being 10x the anger. If we're being irrational about something, you have to let us realise this ourselves as opposed to telling us we are wrong. Allow us to calm down, set a good example by having good body language and speaking respectfully. Our moods are very easily influenced by other people.
However, while we have bursts of emotion, we are capable of loving more intensely than any regular person. We are generally an open book, incredibly caring, and very thoughtful. We give the best cuddles and have strong morals.
While I have attempted to describe BPD and what goes on in our minds, I can only speak from personal experience. Every human being is different. Our personalities and experiences are different, our triggers are different, and out behavioural patterns. I found this blog very difficult to write. I only hope I could offer some insight and help one or two people.
